True Confessions

I hate visiting my mother. Not because I don't care, but because I do. I go because I should and (at least for now) she still knows me. But this is not really my mother. This is not the woman I grew up with and it is painful to watch this deterioration. The woman I grew up with had a quick wit and a great memory and a humorous inclination. This woman is not her and I don't particularly care to see her. If I would stop, of course, my relatives would once again turn against me as a heartless fiend as they did when my sister spread her lies. Not that this would really hurt me. I generally have stopped caring years ago what my relatives feel about me. But the bullshit would slosh over to my family since most of them are so judgemental, and that would make me angry and probably start some things I can do without for now. So I do my duty periodically by seeing this woman who looks like my mom, but isn't really anymore.

Lettin the Mind Wander

So many people spend so much time turning into liars and idiots because they have decided that they will do whatever they need to do, no matter how bad, because they feel they want to be known as a certain type of person or belong to a certain group. They mold themselves into an image so that others will think of them and accept them in that image. But deep down, they know it's a lie. They know that this is not them, that it's wrong, and even in some cases evil. No matter how they revel in their carefully crafted image, there is always a little part of them that whispers that it's wrong and this gnaws at them throughout their whole lives.

They have failed to learn that the only person you can be, is yourself. The only person you should be trying to impress, and compete against, is yourself. The only person who can improve you is yourself. And the only person who can love you for who you are, is a person who gets to see the real you, not your carefully crafted image.

Personal integrity. Personal responsibility. Personal honor. Those are the only things that can make you a good person and a good citizen. All the rest of the junk like money, power, influence, control, may make you believe you are making your life better or are making you a more important person, but it's just a trap. It makes you the worst kind of shallow, thoughtless, self-deluded clown. A clown who will stop at nothing, hurt anyone, break any law or contract, just to feed their own selfishness. And that makes you the worst person you can be, not the best.

Want to be the best you can be? Be yourself.

Lookin For the Silver Lining in Every Dark Cloud

A couple of short traveling stories.

During my first trip to Arizona in the 70's I decided to cross the Navajo reservation on my way to Window Rock. I was behind time as I drove across the reservation and decided to spend the night in a rest area along the road. As I was getting dinner ready, the tribal police pulled in with their four-wheeler to see if I was ok. They were probably just checking on me anyways, but, they told me it was because they wanted to make sure I wasn't broken down or anything since it was fairly far from civilization. We talked a little and they liked my van and said they'd stop by again on the return trip from their rounds. Sure enough, a few hours later they pulled back in and we sat around the fire for a while talking about my trip and they told me a lot about the Navajo people and gave me some great pointers for things to look for and see. Really nice people and I had an wonderful time.

A few years later, on another trip, I was stopping in Latimer County Oklahoma as a representative of our family. My grandfather did a little land speculation and when he died he still had a 20 acre site in OK. No one in the family knew anything about it and my grandmother never sold it. When she died my aunt and uncle wanted to know about it because an oil company wanted to buy it. So I stopped and checked it out. On the way out of the area, there was road construction and they routed us through an ungodly old back-country road. The van was in dire need of gas and there was nothing around. Suddenly I came across a little mom and pop store with two old crappy looking gas pumps). I pulled my hippie van in to the pump and waited with my long hair as a classic stereotype hick came out of the store towards the van. Half toothless, white t-shirt with cigarettes rolled up in the sleeve, flat top, and a couple of bad tatoos on some skinny arms. I'd seen Easy Rider. I knew I was in trouble.

Well, this guy came out, looked at the van and smiled. Asked if he could look inside and we had a great conversation for about a half-hour while he gassed up the truck and did all of the manual maintenance that gas stations generally stopped doing in the 60's. We had a good time, shook hands, and he wished me well as I left. I smacked myself for letting my fears and misconceptions run loose. Just another wonderful encounter with good people while traveling. I've had many and hope to have many more.

Catching Up

I am still working out. At the beginning of this year (2011) I started doing P90X. I now do two workouts a day and I have lost a NET 65 pounds since I started in January of 2010. I feel really good, at least physically, and am becoming much stronger. I really recommend P90X. Tony Horton has a good attitude about the program, is realistic in how people should approach it, and he's pretty funny to watch.

My daughter has just recently started P90X too and I hope she continues so that she can improve her health too. My son got me interested in this and he is continuing the program also.

My mother's Alzheimer's is getting much worse and she has had to move to a new rest home because the old one couldn't handle patients with her level of severity. The issue now is that her behavioral problems are increasing and she's becoming a problem child in the new facility. This is, of course, stressing out my sister and I and it's very sad to see our mother going downhill so fast, and so far. We'll have to see what happens.

Social Nutworking - Final Grade

After a little more than a year on Facebook, I give social networking a D+. It would have gotten an F but I did reconnect with some "lost" friends and family which was a positive experience. However, I also had to cut off and disconnect from many people. I have come to realize that the "promises" of social networking are just empty buzz in most cases. People really don't want real conversation and discourse. All they want is a forum so they can spout and feel superior to others. If you actually post contrary arguments or question them they turn into angry bullies and try to denegrate and humiliate you to put themselves back up on their imagined throne. There are a lot of people out there who fall into the category of social networker that I feared all along, the "neurotic with no self image" who only feels alive when they can post every little thing they do in their entire pathetic lives and wait for people to respond to validate them. The worst of these is the "unknown questioner." These are people who post stupid bits like "this is horrible," with no other information, in an attempt to see how many people respond in order to feel important because "X" number of people are apparently waiting by their computers for any word from these conceited neurotics. The other big annoyance are the people who post crap and then INSIST everyone repost it. Who .... bloody .... cares. If you really want to make a difference, get out of your house, away from your computer, and volunteer and help. Posting some shit on Facebook doesn't change or help anything. But for those few who actually want to keep in touch with each other and want real conversation, the medium is a very nice way to do it .... as long as you can get over the fact that Facebook itself considers you, and everything about you, and everything about anyone you know or have contact with, as sources of revenue and don't give a crap whether they spread your information from here to the spammers of Russia. So ..... that's my final grade. I will keep using Facebook to keep in touch wit ha handful of good friends and family. For everyone else. You can have each other. Why aren't most of these people in therapy?